All About Eve By Mike Everett

All About Eve

Adam were all alone and looked so sad
That God, without thinking, had asked, “What’s up, lad?”
He knew it were a mistake the moment he’d said it.
As Adam spoke up, God started to dread it.

He began by complaining that he had nowt to do
‘Cos he’d named all the animals God had put in his zoo.
“It’s not a zoo,” said God, “It’s the Garden of Eden.”
“Whatever,” said Adam, “just don’t expect me to feed ’em.”

‘Perhaps free will was a bad idea,’ thought God.
“They’re all here,” said Adam, “Aardvark, baboon and cod,
Dormice, eels and fleas, which I wouldn’t recommend as pets.”
And on and on Adam went, through several alphabets.

Not for the first time, God felt his head nodding
And woke up with a start, still to hear Adam,
“Those legs on a centipede took ages to count,
And as for the millipede, I just guessed at the amount.

Couldn’t you have given some legs to the snake?
I think he’ll be trouble, and no mistake.
But you’ve only made animals and none of them speak,
Yet they’ve each got a mate. You know, you’ve got quite a cheek!”

“All right, all right,” cried God, “enough, my life!
To keep you quiet, I’ll make you a wife.
Yes, a wife, a woman, the peak of my creation,
For Adam, an Eve, the perfect equation.”

“I wouldn’t bet on that,” said Adam, who was starting to wonder
About the purpose of earwigs. Had God made a blunder?
“Pay attention,” said God, “Looking at you, I know I can do better,
So shut up and listen, or you’ll never get her.

She’ll clean for you, make your clothes, and cook and bake,
She’ll agree with every decision you’ll make.
She’ll be intelligent, gracious, sensitive and caring,
And never complain about periods and the pain of childbearing.

She’ll never have a headache and meet all your desires and needs
She’ll not nag, and admit she was wrong when you’ve disagreed.
Her beauty will rival the heavens and earth.”
“Wow,” said Adam, “What would such a woman be worth?”

“An arm and a leg, at least,” said the Lord.
Adam thought that was too steep. “Can I have a quiet word?
I understand that such a creation would cost me,
But what can I get for a rib?” And the rest is history.